Santa Claus is dead, and so is the Christmas magic. Authorities claim fentanyl-laced cookies were to blame, but insiders now reveal Santa’s true legacy: a smuggling empire disguised as holiday cheer. With rival cartels fighting to install their own “Saint Nick,” Christmas might never be the same.
Category: Editor’s Picks
Shame & Dishonor Brutalize China After US Cell Hack Exposes Enormous American Dick Pics
BEIJING—What began as the most ambitious cyberattack in Chinese history has ended in a national catastrophe of unprecedented proportions. Hackers from Beijing’s elite “Salt Typhoon” cyber-espionage unit infiltrated nearly all U.S. mobile carriers, hoping to unearth state secrets. Instead, they stumbled upon something far more staggering: a trove of American men’s unsolicited, enormous dick pics.
FBI Says New Jersey Drones Sent By Aliens Looking for “Where that Goddamned Smell Comes From”
What could drones find so interesting about New Jersey? The public and officials try to solve the mystery.
Judge Upholds Female Firefighters’ Right to “Not Go Out in Public Looking Like This”
“I can’t go out in public looking like this” is a valid reason for a female firefighter to need additional time arriving onsite at a fire, court rules.
NASA’s $2.7B “Perseverance” Rover Finds “Totally Disgusting” Microbial Life on Mars
Bacteria Commonly Found in Public Bathrooms is First Extraterrestrial Life Found, Space Agency Admits NASA’s Mars rover cost $2.7B After spending “you don’t want to […]
Methamphetamine-Fed Trees May Remove Enough Atmospheric CO2 to Reverse Climate Change, Cartel Study Finds
A cartel-produced, peer-reviewed study published in this month’s Cartel Science Magazine found that trees fed a soluble methamphetamine based food source metabolized – and consequently […]
Scientists Detect “Extremely Loud and Offensive” Radio Signal From Nearby Star; Send Even More Offensive Message Back
A team known as “The Breakthrough Listen Astronomers” discovered a radio signal emanating from the direction of Proxima Centauri, the closest star to our sun, […]
Women Fight For More Pay. Men Fight Back.
Last Friday the federal government announced the gender pay gap hit 1.5%, the smallest pay difference between men and women since 1899, the year records […]