A cartel-produced, peer-reviewed study published in this month’s Cartel Science Magazine found that trees fed a soluble methamphetamine based food source metabolized – and consequently eliminated from the atmosphere – 50-110% more carbon dioxide (CO2), a greenhouse gas implicated as a primary driver of climate change, than trees in the control group fed a normal forest diet. If true, this would be the first evidence based, peer-reviewed strategy for fighting climate change that is not only plausible, but well within arm’s reach of human capabilities in a short time frame.
“This strikes me as nobel-prize level work,” said an Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) executive speaking on the condition of anonymity, “we are simply ecstatic and deeply, deeply grateful to the cartels for this contribution to the well-being of all life on earth.”
Methamphetamine is well-known to increase metabolic rate of human meth addicts, causing the accelerated aging process the addiction is well-known for. Some Kind of Diaper asked the anonymous EPA executive if feeding forests would cause addiction in the trees, and if so, what side-effects might be expected.
“Well, technically, yes the trees will suffer the acute symptoms of addiction, such as accelerated aging, increased sexual desire, risky behavior, and euphoria, as well as agonizing withdrawal symptoms if they miss a dose, which include depression, loss of motivation, and spontaneous onset of sleep outside the natural cycle,” the official said.
“But hey, we’re not going to hit our environmental targets without making some sacrifices, and since the trees are the ones supposed to be eliminating the CO2 in the first place, they should be the ones stepping up for the good of all of us.”
“trees are the ones supposed to be eliminating the CO2 in the first place, they should be the ones stepping up”
Anonymous EPA executive
Governments Already Working Closely With Cartels WIll Play Key Role Onboarding Other Laggard Nations
Mexico and other Latin American countries have been working closely with cartels scaling methamphetamine for decades, providing valuable expertise for other nations to reference.
“You’ve got a good dozen or more governments that really know how to do this,” said an anonymous DEA official. “Now we’re looking at the last 20 years of our DEA work in a different light – if we had known we were not helping humanity but in fact antagonizing what would become the most important project in the history of our planet, we’d have done things quite differently, and we’re grateful to those governments for their persistence resisting our hostile and counter-productive efforts.”
The DEA is expected to make a formal apology in the upcoming days, and scores of cartel members and executives are likely to be released from prison so they may join the heroic environmental mission.
“For the sake of every life form on this planet, we need to scale our production to levels no one ever imagined in their wildest dreams,” said Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the notorious cartel leader serving life in a US prison. “I’d like to say to our existing customers: don’t worry, you’re not going to lose your supply, we got you…”