Public Bathrooms Could Have Offered Far More Microbial Diversity For $5 of Lab Supplies, Space Agency Admits
After spending “you don’t want to know how much” of tax-payers’ money sending a sophisticated probe to Mars, NASA announced in an email that the Perseverance probe found only simple organic molecules that, at best, raise the possibility of finding basic microbial life such as the “disgusting” bacteria easily found in mammalian feces.
“Let’s just cut to the chase,” the email, cowardly sent from “no-reply@nasa.gov” confessed, “we spent $2.7B of your taxes building a sophisticated rover that traversed millions of miles and dumped tens of thousands of expensive greenhouse gas in our atmosphere and beyond, and retrieved only building block samples of bacteria readily available on any public toilet seat.”
“Disgusting” Gut-Associated Bacteria Plentiful Here on Earth
Microbiologists Cut From NASA Budget FedEx’d “I Told You So” Letter & “Disgusting and Free” Microbial Samples to Space Agency
“Proplionibacteriaceae from the gut-associated “Actino” family are splattered all over bathroom surfaces. Ironically, NASA engineers probably contaminated the rover with many of the disgusting microbes it traveled all the way to Mars to only possibly discover. Take this is an expensive reminder of what happens when you cut microbiologists out of the world’s largest space exploration budget.”
Dr. Michael Wagner, Microbiology Professor, University of Texas at Houston
The US Microbiology Association (UMA), for which Dr. Wagner serves as President, FedEx’d NASA an I-told-you-so letter scolding the agency’s decision to cut microbiologists from their 2021 salary budget and samples of dangerous microbes.
“We wanted to show them that just one microbiologist on staff could have saved them nearly a half trillion dollars,” Wagner said.
FedEx Canine Package-Sniffing Team Infected With Many Families of Exotic & Dangerous Airborne Microbes
FedEx canine team before alerting to dangerous package 
Team after sample innoculated them with harmful microbes
The FedEx package sent by Wagner’s team triggered a “dangerous package” inspection after a canine package-smelling team randomly sniffed the parcel while on a training exercise, resulting in life-threatening infections. Wagner lamented causing the unintended infection, declaring “oh sweet Jesus…we gave those puppies every harmful airborne microbe known to man”, including the legionella bacterium responsible for causing Legionnaire’s disease, the Ebola virus, the norovirus that causes severe gastroenteritis (food poisoning), and the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus (MERS-CoV), among many others, which subsequently required a “dizzying array of therapeutics” for the ten month old puppies.
Puppies, Unlike NASA Budget, Expected to Fully Recover
Veterinary pathologist Dr. Phil McKraken is treating the canines with a therapeutic cocktail and expects the dogs’ youthful immune system will be able to handle such a serious infection.
“When veterinarians hear the name Phil McKraken, they know their patients are in good hands for a thorough and deep microbial probe,” said Seattle veterinarian Dr. Ofelia Wood of Ofelia Wood Pet Treatment Center.
The NASA budget, however, may not fare so well, according to accountant Lester Grant. “Given the public outcry, we can expect tax flow to the agency to be irreparably harmed. There may be no worse offense a government can make in the eyes of the people than grievance harm on adorable puppies. They may never live that down.: