It started with Lemon Poppy Seed Donuts
When he was desperate for a heroin fix, “Jacob” (not real name) would go to Seattle’s Mighty O Donuts to lesson withdrawal by consuming six or more lemon poppy donuts for the tiny amount of morphine sometimes present in poppy seed residue.
“I felt a little better after eating those donuts – maybe it was just a placebo effect, but my nose would stop running and I didn’t hurt so bad,” Jacob said. Jacob thought nothing of it until a year later when he was in a local treatment center, ten days clean off of heroin.
“The other heroin addicts that detoxed with me were all back to normal, exercising, laughing, sleeping good…but I felt miserable so the doctors gave me an opiate based pill used for detox,” Jacob explained, “it should have made me feel normal like it had so many times in the past but this time it did nothing.”
Doctors were stunned and confused. “We’d never seen anything like this,” explained Dr. Herbert Genovese, the clinics head physician. “Jacob’s withdrawal symptoms were completely unaffected by increasing doses of opiate agonists. We thought Jacob wasn’t swallowing his pill, so I gave him an injection and still nothing.”
Hypnosis Suggests a Crazier Theory: Donuts
“Finally we used hypnosis as a tool to shed light on Jacob’s mental state. He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Might O Donuts'” Dr. Genovese said.
He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Mighty O Donuts’
When one of the nurses learned of Jacob’s hypnosis results, she volunteered to pick up Mighty O Donuts.
“The next day Jacob was given donuts and just like that all of his withdrawal symptoms went away, ” Dr. Genovese said.
“The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.”
The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.
Jacob has been clean from heroin now over two years, though he is still struggling with a donut addiction. “I tried selling my body to get money for donuts, but I’m so fat now I can’t even turn tricks like the old days.”
If you know someone suffering from addiction to Mighty O Donuts, there is no help available for you. Jacob’s family members have some tips, however: “hide anything valuable, don’t keep checkbooks or credit cards around, use bolts to secure big screen televisions, computers, and stereo systems. Buy a tracking device for your car, and whatever you do, don’t try Mighty O Donuts if you have an addictive personality!” said Jacob’s older sister, Penny.
Addictive personalities beware of the best donuts in the country
12 Step Donut-Eaters Programs
Those with addictive personalities are particularly vulnerable in the presence of organic, vegan donuts. There will be 12 Step meetings for donut addicts at The Capitol Hill Presbyterian – 1729 Harvard Ave, Seattle 98122 on Tuesday & Thursday at 8 PM.
