police press conference

Police held another press conference about the serial crime.

With no leads and a very full room of journalists, police officials held a press conference yesterday to warn whoever has been spiking public dog water bowls (e.g. dog parks) with Viagra that “we are putting all of our resources into this investigation.”

The department, once again, presented crime photos to “connect the sick perpetrators actions to the very not-funny suffering they are causing.” Police Chief Jim Rainier went through the photos one by one, asking rhetorically, “does this look funny to you?”

“Look at this photo. Does this look funny to you?” said Police Chief Jim Rainier

Pictures of suffering dogs displayed, Police Chief: “Is this funny?”

Owners had to peel dogs off one another at the dog park

Sally Robbins dog knocked her out of wheelchair in order to hump her at home.

As many as five dogs were seen in a “caboose” style mounting.

The villains also hit the toy dog park, where the same behavior erupted.

chart one day moving averages - Google Search (1) — Social Media Shares – 30 Days

Controversial Outreach Program a Success

Early last month, Rainier began the well-known and somewhat controversial “public outreach” project, which shares clues with the public in hopes of getting leads. No leads have come in, Rainier reported, “but on the bright side the outreach program is growing successfully.”

He then presented charts showing 15 million shares on social media, a 37% increase from last week and soaring above the one day moving average for both downloads and shares. AdSense revenue from the outreach program, which is helping the department survive devastating budget cuts, is “excellent”, Rainier said. Rainier was rumored to be angry about the vote that cut the budget; one local blogger accused him of “holding an immature, personal grudge.”

The police department shared a preview of the conference “moral lesson” photo gallery (below). Many of the photos were taken by Brookstone Photography and the entire collection will be the main exhibit at the town art walk this Thursday at 6 PM. Wine and appetizers will be served at 8:30, and the Jacob Mynch Jazz Trio will perform at 9 PM.