After deliberating for 12 minutes, the jury in Seattle, WA returned a no guilty verdict.
“We are happy to see society take a step forward understanding the challenges that dyslexic people face in ordinary, day to day situations,” the man’s lawyer said.
When asked for comment, the “victim” said, “Jesus Christ, I was yelling ‘no’! How can you confuse that?”.
When he was desperate for a heroin fix, “Jacob” (not real name) would go to Seattle’s Mighty O Donuts to lesson withdrawal by consuming six or more lemon poppy donuts for the tiny amount of morphine sometimes present in poppy seed residue.
“I felt a little better after eating those donuts – maybe it was just a placebo effect, but my nose would stop running and I didn’t hurt so bad,” Jacob said. Jacob thought nothing of it until a year later when he was in a local treatment center, ten days clean off of heroin.
“The other heroin addicts that detoxed with me were all back to normal, exercising, laughing, sleeping good…but I felt miserable so the doctors gave me an opiate based pill used for detox,” Jacob explained, “it should have made me feel normal like it had so many times in the past but this time it did nothing.”
Doctors were stunned and confused. “We’d never seen anything like this,” explained Dr. Herbert Genovese, the clinics head physician. “Jacob’s withdrawal symptoms were completely unaffected by increasing doses of opiate agonists. We thought Jacob wasn’t swallowing his pill, so I gave him an injection and still nothing.”
“Finally we used hypnosis as a tool to shed light on Jacob’s mental state. He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Might O Donuts'” Dr. Genovese said.
He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Mighty O Donuts’
“The next day Jacob was given donuts and just like that all of his withdrawal symptoms went away, ” Dr. Genovese said.
“The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.”
The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.
Jacob has been clean from heroin now over two years, though he is still struggling with a donut addiction. “I tried selling my body to get money for donuts, but I’m so fat now I can’t even turn tricks like the old days.”
If you know someone suffering from addiction to Mighty O Donuts, there is no help available for you. Jacob’s family members have some tips, however: “hide anything valuable, don’t keep checkbooks or credit cards around, use bolts to secure big screen televisions, computers, and stereo systems. Buy a tracking device for your car, and whatever you do, don’t try Mighty O Donuts if you have an addictive personality!” said Jacob’s older sister, Penny.
Those with addictive personalities are particularly vulnerable in the presence of organic, vegan donuts. There will be 12 Step meetings for donut addicts at The Capitol Hill Presbyterian – 1729 Harvard Ave, Seattle 98122 on Tuesday & Thursday at 8 PM.
The infamous and mysterious “Capitol Hill Street Throne” appeared again this week at the top of another Capitol Hill incline, triggering locals to participate in a customary ritual that has developed over the years since the strange arrangement made its first surprise appearance in 2006.
“The Throne” as locals call it, is a living room chair and a gold statue of a young woman of unknown identity which both appear, with only 60 minutes notice, at the top of a hill at about midnight.
Locals have made a ritual by performing “improv” (improvisational acting) inspired by Adam Sandler’s “Click”, a film in which the main character discovers his remote control allows him to control all of the life around him.
Typically, locals on The Throne pretend to control everything around them as they drink beer (part of the custom) while cars and pedestrians pass by. This goes on until the police arrive to give citations for open containers and public intoxication, a sober reminder that the powers they have assumed are definitely not real.
