Hitler’s Ghost ‘Gobsmacked’ by Trump’s Admiration, Say Hundreds of Psychics

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ghosthitlerhair

Hitler’s Ghost Was Adorable: Giggling, Blushing Like a Schoolgirl Meeting Her First Crush

In an unexpected twist from beyond the grave, hundreds of psychics worldwide reported this week that Adolf Hitler’s ghost is “absolutely gobsmacked” to learn of Donald Trump’s admiration. The spectral Führer is said to be “tickled pink” and “adorably cute” by Trump’s recent comments praising him and wishing his generals were more like Hitler’s own.

“It’s surreal,” said renowned spirit medium Carol Hensley, speaking through a cloud of incense. “He was so cute I just wanted to pick him up amd tickle him until he pee’d on himself!” Hensely admitted.

“Hitler’s spirit appeared to me and was practically gushing. I hadn’t seen anything like it since Joan of Arc showed up to brag about all the churches named after her.”

The reports started circulating after several of Trump’s former generals publicly revealed that Trump had expressed high regard for Hitler’s military leadership, sparking Hitler’s ghost to pop up like a ghastly Jack-in-the-Box for séance after séance. Psychics from California to Calcutta claim that Hitler’s apparition has appeared, swooning over Trump’s words and declaring, “It’s so rare to find someone in the living world who just gets me.”

Psychics said Hitler was just “adorable” in his giddy state.

“He couldn’t stop giggling,” confirmed psychic Helga Roder in Berlin. “It was like he had butterflies in his stomach. At one point, he clasped his ghostly hands together and said, ‘Mein Gott, Donald is such a visionary. Finally, a leader who respects the classics!’”

Generals throughout Europe reported seeing Hitler’s ghost perform a “triumphant windmill” to celebrate Trump’s priase.

An Unlikely Bromance?

Sources close to the afterlife claim that Hitler’s spirit, usually known for pacing angrily and ranting about lost causes, has softened noticeably since Trump’s comments surfaced. According to mediums, Hitler has been appearing “almost bashful,” often catching himself mid-rant and saying things like, “Ach, who am I kidding? I couldn’t have held a candle to Donald!” Witnesses report that the ghost of the Führer has been wandering the ether like a lovesick teenager, moaning about “finding his soulmate” and asking mediums to deliver thank-you notes to Trump.

“It’s unprecedented,” said British psychic Nigel Crowe, shaking his head in disbelief. “Usually, when Hitler’s spirit makes an appearance, it’s all doom, gloom, and complaints about bunker acoustics. But last night, he manifested just to tell me, ‘This Trump fellow, he’s something special.’ Then he blushed and vanished.”

Historic Implications for the Underworld

News of this posthumous admiration has shocked historians and unsettled spirits who thought they knew Hitler’s afterlife routine. It’s also raised questions about whether Trump will receive the “honorary ghost badge” bestowed by the Führer—a dubious distinction previously reserved for fascist leaders and infamous warmongers.

Meanwhile, rumors swirl that Hitler’s spirit has been working tirelessly to arrange a “haunted Mar-a-Lago meet-and-greet,” complete with spooky candlelit dinners and eerie fog. According to one medium, the Führer’s spirit has expressed hope that Trump “could someday join him in the afterlife for a one-on-one mentorship.”

Judge Upholds Female Firefighters’ Right to “Not Go Out in Public Looking Like This”

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"I can't got out in public looking like this!"

Families of victims who perished in a horrendous blaze in Canton, NY, are not entitled to damages from eight female firefighters who arrived at the fatal inferno at least nine minutes late because they could not “go out in public looking like this.”

Footage from security cameras in the station captured the women, all former strippers, masterfully descending a 30 foot pole before suddenly stopping to spend precious minutes applying makeup and then using full-length mirrors to assure themselves they did not “look fat” in their oversized fire uniforms.

The lawsuit further alleges the women, who drive a custom pink firetruck, arrived at the scene blaring “Lil Wayne” with the windows down and a strobe light casting colored light throughout the cabin.

After the ruling, the plaintiffs’ lawyer commented, “we asked the question, ‘do we want to live in a society that hires strippers for our most sacred life-or-death jobs?’, and the answer is apparently yes, we prefer sexual arousal more than life preservation.”

The small town of Canton defended its decision to hire the strippers from a nearby town known for its legendary strip clubs – a beloved destination of local college men, farmers, and even professors.

“Vicky” – the name of the custom pink firetruck driven by the female firefighters

We don’t have the funds to pay for a full-time firefighting crew. These women make ends meet from the dollar bills our citizens graciously stuff down the shirts of these gorgeous little ladies as they stretch and contort their beautiful, firm bodies while sweating from the sweet heat of a raging fire

Mayor Albert B. Stiffen

The lawsuit is not the first complaint to call out the female firefighters.

Official complaints filed with Canton officials accuse the women of driving “without even the most basic spacial relations capabilities and completely oblivious to the presence of other vehicles.” The pink firetruck has been repaired five times in the last two years for minor body damage resulting from side-swiping parked cars and vehicles pulled-over in the right lane to make room for passing first responders.

However, female firefighters are entitled to equal right to gainful employment without gender discrimination, the judge ruled.

hot female firefighters
Female firefighters posing to promote their “wet t-shirt” fund raiser.

“I don’t like the way my wife drives…in fact, it’s terrifying. She often pauses to apply makeup and inspect her body while asking me, ‘do I look fat?'” said Judget Gerald Thumpen. “But do I deny her the basic human right to female neurosis? No. After years of being judged by shallow, male-driven objectification, she, and all women, have earned the right to say ‘enough is enough'”.

Russell Jerome, of Jerome Fire – the company that sold the “Pink Rocket” to the fire-fighting strippers, commented, “I have never met these women, I have never been to the ‘Manatuna’, and all rumors to the contrary are false.”

When asked for comment about the incident, the female firefighters said, “the only thing we want to say is we’ll be doing our annual ‘wet t-shirt fund-raiser’. Come on down and spray us with a Jerome Fire hose – it’ll be cold, so our nipples will be saying hello! Selfies with us an extra $10. Oh, and a big wet kiss to Russ Jerome of Jerome Fire. We love his sexy ass and can’t wait to see him again!”

NASA’s $2.7B “Perseverance” Rover Only Finds Building Blocks For “Unexciting and Disgusting” Microbial Life on Mars

By in Le Canine, News, Politics, Science & Technology Tags: , ,

the legionella bacterium responsible for causing Legionnaire's disease,7,8 the Ebola virus,9 the norovirus that causes severe gastroenteritis (food poisoning),10,11 and the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus (MERS-CoV).

Public Bathrooms Could Have Offered Far More Microbial Diversity For $5 of Lab Supplies, Space Agency Admits

nasa rover mars
NASA’s Mars rover cost $2.7B

After spending “you don’t want to know how much” of tax-payers’ money sending a sophisticated probe to Mars, NASA announced in an email that the Perseverance probe found only simple organic molecules that, at best, raise the possibility of finding basic microbial life such as the “disgusting” bacteria easily found in mammalian feces.

“Let’s just cut to the chase,” the email, cowardly sent from “no-reply@nasa.gov” confessed, “we spent $2.7B of your taxes building a sophisticated rover that traversed millions of miles and dumped tens of thousands of expensive greenhouse gas in our atmosphere and beyond, and retrieved only building block samples of bacteria readily available on any public toilet seat.”

“Disgusting” Gut-Associated Bacteria Plentiful Here on Earth

Microbiologists Cut From NASA Budget FedEx’d “I Told You So” Letter & “Disgusting and Free” Microbial Samples to Space Agency

“Proplionibacteriaceae from the gut-associated “Actino” family are splattered all over bathroom surfaces. Ironically, NASA engineers probably contaminated the rover with many of the disgusting microbes it traveled all the way to Mars to only possibly discover. Take this is an expensive reminder of what happens when you cut microbiologists out of the world’s largest space exploration budget.”

Dr. Michael Wagner, Microbiology Professor, University of Texas at Houston

The US Microbiology Association (UMA), for which Dr. Wagner serves as President, FedEx’d NASA an I-told-you-so letter scolding the agency’s decision to cut microbiologists from their 2021 salary budget and samples of dangerous microbes.

“We wanted to show them that just one microbiologist on staff could have saved them nearly a half trillion dollars,” Wagner said.

Bacteria from “Actino” family” abound in public bathrooms, and could have been sampled for $5 of lab supplies.

FedEx Canine Package-Sniffing Team Infected With Many Families of Exotic & Dangerous Airborne Microbes

  • FedEx canine team before alerting to dangerous package
  • Team after sample innoculated them with harmful microbes

The FedEx package sent by Wagner’s team triggered a “dangerous package” inspection after a canine package-smelling team randomly sniffed the parcel while on a training exercise, resulting in life-threatening infections. Wagner lamented causing the unintended infection, declaring “oh sweet Jesus…we gave those puppies every harmful airborne microbe known to man”, including the legionella bacterium responsible for causing Legionnaire’s disease, the Ebola virus, the norovirus that causes severe gastroenteritis (food poisoning), and the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus (MERS-CoV), among many others, which subsequently required a “dizzying array of therapeutics” for the ten month old puppies.

Puppies, Unlike NASA Budget, Expected to Fully Recover

Veterinary pathologist Dr. Phil McKraken is treating the canines with a therapeutic cocktail and expects the dogs’ youthful immune system will be able to handle such a serious infection.

“When veterinarians hear the name Phil McKraken, they know their patients are in good hands for a thorough and deep microbial probe,” said Seattle veterinarian Dr. Ofelia Wood of Ofelia Wood Pet Treatment Center.

The NASA budget, however, may not fare so well, according to accountant Lester Grant. “Given the public outcry, we can expect tax flow to the agency to be irreparably harmed. There may be no worse offense a government can make in the eyes of the people than grievance harm on adorable puppies. They may never live that down.:

Methamphetamine-Fed Trees May Remove Enough Atmospheric CO2 to Reverse Climate Change, Cartel Study Finds

By in Drugs, News Tags: , , ,

cartel meth production

A cartel-produced, peer-reviewed study published in this month’s Cartel Science Magazine found that trees fed a soluble methamphetamine based food source metabolized – and consequently eliminated from the atmosphere – 50-110% more carbon dioxide (CO2), a greenhouse gas implicated as a primary driver of climate change, than trees in the control group fed a normal forest diet. If true, this would be the first evidence based, peer-reviewed strategy for fighting climate change that is not only plausible, but well within arm’s reach of human capabilities in a short time frame.

Trees in cartel study showed 50 – 110% increases in metabolic rate

“This strikes me as nobel-prize level work,” said an Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) executive speaking on the condition of anonymity, “we are simply ecstatic and deeply, deeply grateful to the cartels for this contribution to the well-being of all life on earth.”

Methamphetamine is well-known to increase metabolic rate of human meth addicts, causing the accelerated aging process the addiction is well-known for. Some Kind of Diaper asked the anonymous EPA executive if feeding forests would cause addiction in the trees, and if so, what side-effects might be expected.

“Well, technically, yes the trees will suffer the acute symptoms of addiction, such as accelerated aging, increased sexual desire, risky behavior, and euphoria, as well as agonizing withdrawal symptoms if they miss a dose, which include depression, loss of motivation, and spontaneous onset of sleep outside the natural cycle,” the official said.

“But hey, we’re not going to hit our environmental targets without making some sacrifices, and since the trees are the ones supposed to be eliminating the CO2 in the first place, they should be the ones stepping up for the good of all of us.”

“trees are the ones supposed to be eliminating the CO2 in the first place, they should be the ones stepping up”

Anonymous EPA executive

Governments Already Working Closely With Cartels WIll Play Key Role Onboarding Other Laggard Nations

Mexico and other Latin American countries have been working closely with cartels scaling methamphetamine for decades, providing valuable expertise for other nations to reference.

“You’ve got a good dozen or more governments that really know how to do this,” said an anonymous DEA official. “Now we’re looking at the last 20 years of our DEA work in a different light – if we had known we were not helping humanity but in fact antagonizing what would become the most important project in the history of our planet, we’d have done things quite differently, and we’re grateful to those governments for their persistence resisting our hostile and counter-productive efforts.”

In many countries, governments are already working closely with cartels, giving a valuable head-start operationalizing the ambitious effort

The DEA is expected to make a formal apology in the upcoming days, and scores of cartel members and executives are likely to be released from prison so they may join the heroic environmental mission.

“For the sake of every life form on this planet, we need to scale our production to levels no one ever imagined in their wildest dreams,” said Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, the notorious cartel leader serving life in a US prison. “I’d like to say to our existing customers: don’t worry, you’re not going to lose your supply, we got you…”

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