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New Police Sunglasses Causing Problems in White Neighborhoods
September 2016
Seattle Ex-Heroin Addict Says Kicking Favorite Donuts “Twice as Tough”
It started with Lemon Poppy Seed Donuts
When he was desperate for a heroin fix, “Jacob” (not real name) would go to Seattle’s Mighty O Donuts to lesson withdrawal by consuming six or more lemon poppy donuts for the tiny amount of morphine sometimes present in poppy seed residue.
“I felt a little better after eating those donuts – maybe it was just a placebo effect, but my nose would stop running and I didn’t hurt so bad,” Jacob said. Jacob thought nothing of it until a year later when he was in a local treatment center, ten days clean off of heroin.
“The other heroin addicts that detoxed with me were all back to normal, exercising, laughing, sleeping good…but I felt miserable so the doctors gave me an opiate based pill used for detox,” Jacob explained, “it should have made me feel normal like it had so many times in the past but this time it did nothing.”
Doctors were stunned and confused. “We’d never seen anything like this,” explained Dr. Herbert Genovese, the clinics head physician. “Jacob’s withdrawal symptoms were completely unaffected by increasing doses of opiate agonists. We thought Jacob wasn’t swallowing his pill, so I gave him an injection and still nothing.”
Hypnosis Suggests a Crazier Theory: Donuts
“Finally we used hypnosis as a tool to shed light on Jacob’s mental state. He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Might O Donuts'” Dr. Genovese said.
He just kept saying one thing over and over, ‘Mighty O Donuts’
When one of the nurses learned of Jacob’s hypnosis results, she volunteered to pick up Mighty O Donuts.
“The next day Jacob was given donuts and just like that all of his withdrawal symptoms went away, ” Dr. Genovese said.
“The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.”
The problem is we don’t have any medical literature on detoxing patients off donuts.
Jacob has been clean from heroin now over two years, though he is still struggling with a donut addiction. “I tried selling my body to get money for donuts, but I’m so fat now I can’t even turn tricks like the old days.”
If you know someone suffering from addiction to Mighty O Donuts, there is no help available for you. Jacob’s family members have some tips, however: “hide anything valuable, don’t keep checkbooks or credit cards around, use bolts to secure big screen televisions, computers, and stereo systems. Buy a tracking device for your car, and whatever you do, don’t try Mighty O Donuts if you have an addictive personality!” said Jacob’s older sister, Penny.
Addictive personalities beware of the best donuts in the country
12 Step Donut-Eaters Programs
Those with addictive personalities are particularly vulnerable in the presence of organic, vegan donuts. There will be 12 Step meetings for donut addicts at The Capitol Hill Presbyterian – 1729 Harvard Ave, Seattle 98122 on Tuesday & Thursday at 8 PM.
Seattle Nurse Laments She Caused Another Dying 14 Year Old Boy’s Wish to Not Die a Virgin
“It’s so cute how he sexually harasses me,” Nurse Carmella Marquez, a Capitol Hill resident, told our photographer as our news crew showed up to interview everyone involved in this very odd Wish Foundation case. “Try to get a picture of him with that lustful little grin on his face.”
And so we did…
Lester’s crush and dying wish is not new to Carmella Marquez. Lester is the 12th dying boy this year with this sexual wish.
“There have been so many boys who have died with that wish, I can’t even remember most of their names,” she said.
Nurse Carmella knows how to spot a growing crush
After burying “probably a dozen” boys with this last wish, Carmella looks for early signs of a growing crush, such as crumpled tissues sticking to their bellies so the hospital can transfer the boy to an older, less attractive nurse. We asked her if any of the other nurses on staff were hot enough that a teenage boy might develop a crush.
“The other nurses on staff are…well, let’s just say it’s definitely safe to transfer a teenage boy to them,” she told us.
Lester’s Wish Gets Scheduled
As with all the previous dying boys, The Wish Foundation, with Carmella’s blessing, granted the boys’ wishes. On a calendar by their bedside, a date was circled with a giant red marker with the words, “Carmella Sleep Over!”.
We were shocked that the foundation and Carmella would go so far for the boys. “Wow, I’ve never seen so much dedication to a charity,” I said.
Carmella laughed. “You think I’d sleep with those creepy little kids? We booked their dates eight weeks in advance. None of them had a week left in them.”
“You think I’d sleep with those creepy little kids? We booked their dates eight weeks in advance. None of them had a week left in them.”
Click here to donate money to The Wish Foundation.
Capitol Hill “Street Throne” Appears Again at Summit & Olive Triggering Customary Performance Art
Street Throne Appears Again
The infamous and mysterious “Capitol Hill Street Throne” appeared again this week at the top of another Capitol Hill incline, triggering locals to participate in a customary ritual that has developed over the years since the strange arrangement made its first surprise appearance in 2006.
“The Throne” as locals call it, is a living room chair and a gold statue of a young woman of unknown identity which both appear, with only 60 minutes notice, at the top of a hill at about midnight.
Locals have made a ritual by performing “improv” (improvisational acting) inspired by Adam Sandler’s “Click”, a film in which the main character discovers his remote control allows him to control all of the life around him.
Typically, locals on The Throne pretend to control everything around them as they drink beer (part of the custom) while cars and pedestrians pass by. This goes on until the police arrive to give citations for open containers and public intoxication, a sober reminder that the powers they have assumed are definitely not real.
Anchor Not Pretty Enough for Roger Ailes to Harass is Leaving Fox
“I don’t want to be sexually harassed, but I want others to want to sexually harass me” – Greta Van Susteren (not the pretty one)
You probably heard by now, Greta Van Susteren is leaving Fox News. To be clear, since there are two Fox News hosts leaving, a Greta and a Gretchen, do you know Greta from Gretchen?
“I hated hearing, ‘Gretchen, you know, the pretty host'” Greta Van Susteren (not the pretty one) wrote in a blog post about her leaving Fox News.
The timing of Greta’s departure (almost immediately after Gretchen’s $20M sexual harassment settlement) invited the perception that Greta was standing with Gretchen, one woman getting another woman’s back. The blog post made it clear this was not the case.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Greta wrote, “I don’t want to be sexually harassed, but I want others to want to sexually harass me.”
The Pretty One Gets the Payout
And that’s understandable. Gretchen Carlson rose to fame when selected as Miss America in 1989, and to riches when selected for sexual harassment in 2015 that ended with the high profile $20M settlement.
So, to make sure the news is accurately published, Greta Van Susteren (not the pretty one) is leaving Fox News not for any “girl power” sort of reason, but because she didn’t want to stick around after the pretty one left and have to compete with other women to be the one a powerful white executive would want to sexually harass.
