Because you’re sophisticated, modern, and discerning.
April 2021
Whistleblower Alleges Government’s “UFO” Report Omits Inter-Galactic Sex Trafficking
Aliens are here and the government has no intention of coming clean.
That’s the claim of an anonymous government whistleblower. Additionally, the aliens are reptilian, and they have been abducting large numbers of reptiles from Earth to have sex with.
Curiously, there has been a decline in reptiles worldwide.
Ecologists have observed a rapid decline in the number of reptilian species over the past ten years. They think the reptiles are being abdjucted for sex.
Anonymous, government whistleblowre
The aliens also have “incredible” sex toys, being that they’re sex addicts with technology millions of years more advanced than ours. He says the toys, which he refused to confirm or deny whether he had tried, can bring more “pleasure to a human in five minutes than they’ll have in a lifetime.”
Sign me up.
Scientists Detect “Extremely Loud and Offensive” Radio Signal From Nearby Star; Send Even More Offensive Message Back
A team known as “The Breakthrough Listen Astronomers” discovered a radio signal emanating from the direction of Proxima Centauri, the closest star to our sun, just 4.2 light-years away and which UFOlogists claim are home to aliens which have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.
Dr. Larry Fix of University of Pittsburgh was working when the signal came in.
“God damn what the f*** is that? That is just bulls***!” Fix can be heard saying in a recording. “Turn that sh** down you motherf***ing little green di**heads!”
The team described the radio signal as “extremely loud and offensive in nature and “just not good neighborly behavior. They need to turn that sh** down and keep it clean goddamnit,” said Dr. Eleanor Brennan, the Chief Investigator of a study the team is doing.
Angry Scientist Sent Insulting, Provacative Response Which He Now Regrets
The team quickly sent a now controversial reply back which was “louder and more obnoxious to teach those little f***ers to keep it clean, we have kids around and they don’t need to hear that kind of sh**!” Fix said.
Fix was very, very upset that he had spend hundreds of thousands of dollars getting his PhD, then years of his life manning the telescope looking for intelligent life, only to be disappointed that, as he put it, “they’re as stupid and crude as the high school football team drunk”.
However, the next day the team made another announcement.
“We shouldn’t have responded so quickly. We were angry and not thinking clearly and we regret not waiting to cool down before we sent a reply,” Dr. Brennan said.
The final statement made by the team at the press conference, before they quickly disappeared without taking questions from the press, was made by Fix, the man who sent the hot-headed response.
Scientists around the planet responded with strong opinions on both sides.
“I would’ve done the same godamn fu**cking thing,” said Dr. Elmer Rodriguez of Madrid University. “I saw the signal readout, anyone with a PhD in astrophysics cannot look at those numbers and not just want to break things. When I heard about, I was so angry I threw my three year old’s Big Wheel off the upper deck of my house,”
Rodriguez’s wife, Dr. Beatrice Rodriguez disagreed.
“I have at least as much education and experience in this field, I saw the readout and I suspect we’re overhearing an alien sporting event announcer describing a team trying to get a ball in a hole in a fairly violent sport,” she said. “I have to listen to that in our home every week, I know what it sounds like. These men!”
“Look, I’m sorry I did this, I hope I haven’t offended the aliens and I’d like to apologize for the things I said, in case they’re listening. I take full responsibility for anything that might happen and aliens if you’re listening I’m the one you want to punish, no one else on Earth had anything to do with this,” Fix said before disappearing.
