Article Shorts

WD-40 to Make Feminine Lubrication for Elderly “Most Difficult Cases”

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WD40-hero
WD-40's new campaign will target elderly women struggling with dryness.
WD-40’s new campaign will target elderly women struggling with dryness.

WD-40 Claims it “Cleans & Lubricates Any Pipe You’ve Got”

116 year old Ma-Huang will have "What's left of your lifetime supply"
116 year old Ma-Huang will have “What’s left of your lifetime supply”

Oldest Woman Alive Accepts WD-40 “What’s Left of Your Lifetime Supply” Award

“When I use WD-40, the rust comes out and I’m moist and ready to go,” Huang said.

After a few hundred humiliating encounters that left dried flakes on her partners, word was out about 116 year-old Ma-Huang’s dryness. Crowned with the nickname “Snowflake”, her reputation was preventing her from enjoying one of the few pleasures she had left.

“When you’re old, there’s not a lot to do. If your reputation is getting in the way of sex, you might as well be dead,” Ma-Huang said. “One of the nurses at my elderly care home told me that WD-40 had donated a case of their products for us to try. Just two squirts and years of matted, dried skin began falling out of me. Within minutes, all that stuff was gone and I was so wet you’d have to hold on or you’d slide right up to my throat,” Huang said. “I mean that…literally, my right cheeks are still swollen from the last well-endowed guy who lost his grip while he was jack-hammering me.”

“…you’d have to hold on or you’d slide right up to my throat,” Huang said. “I mean that…literally, my right cheeks are still swollen from the last well-endowed guy who lost his grip while he was jack-hammering me.”

WD-40: Your Pleasure is Our Pleasure

“When we think of our female senior citizens using our products so they can feel alive and human once again, we feel their pleasure,” a company spokeswoman said. “We hope it will help them do things faster…do things that are harder and Jesus Christ don’t stop…using it!”

“We hope it will help them do things faster…do things that are harder and Jesus Christ don’t stop…using it!”

Capitol Hill “Street Throne” Appears Again at Summit & Olive Triggering Customary Performance Art

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Capitol Hill Street Throne had an appearance this week.
Capitol Hill Street Throne had an appearance this week.

Street Throne Appears Again

The infamous and mysterious “Capitol Hill Street Throne” appeared again this week at the top of another Capitol Hill incline, triggering locals to participate in a customary ritual that has developed over the years since the strange arrangement made its first surprise appearance in 2006.

"Click" - magically control life
“Click” – magically control life

“The Throne” as locals call it, is a living room chair and a gold statue of a young woman of unknown identity which both appear, with only 60 minutes notice, at the top of a hill at about midnight.

Locals have made a ritual by performing “improv” (improvisational acting) inspired by Adam Sandler’s “Click”, a film in which the main character discovers his remote control allows him to control all of the life around him.

Typically, locals on The Throne pretend to control everything around them as they drink beer (part of the custom) while cars and pedestrians pass by. This goes on until the police arrive to give citations for open containers and public intoxication, a sober reminder that the powers they have assumed are definitely not real.

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Dog Park Water Bowl Spiked with Viagra Yet Again; Police Press Conference a Viral Hit

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police press conference laughing - Google Search (1)

Police held another press conference about the serial crime.
Police held another press conference about the serial crime.
With no leads and a very full room of journalists, police officials held a press conference yesterday to warn whoever has been spiking public dog water bowls (e.g. dog parks) with Viagra that “we are putting all of our resources into this investigation.”

The department, once again, presented crime photos to “connect the sick perpetrators actions to the very not-funny suffering they are causing.”   Police Chief Jim Rainier went through the photos one by one, asking rhetorically, “does this look funny to you?”

“Look at this photo. Does this look funny to you?” said Police Chief Jim Rainier

chart one day moving averages - Google Search (1)
Social Media Shares – 30 Days

Controversial Outreach Program a Success

Early last month, Rainier began the well-known and somewhat controversial “public outreach” project, which shares clues with the public in hopes of getting leads.  No leads have come in, Rainier reported, “but on the bright side the outreach program is growing successfully.”  

He then presented charts showing 15 million shares on social media, a 37% increase from last week and soaring above the one day moving average for both downloads and shares. AdSense revenue from the outreach program, which is helping the department survive devastating budget cuts, is “excellent”, Rainier said.  Rainier was rumored to be angry about the vote that cut the budget; one local blogger accused him of “holding an immature, personal grudge.”

The police department shared a preview of the conference “moral lesson” photo gallery (below).  Many of the photos were taken by Brookstone Photography and the entire collection will be the main exhibit at the town art walk this Thursday at 6 PM.  Wine and appetizers will be served at 8:30, and the Jacob Mynch Jazz Trio will perform at 9 PM.

“A Moral Lesson” Photo Exhibit

Photo credits: Brookstone Photography

Seychelles Lisp Recidivism Association Phone Fund-Raiser a Flop

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lispgirl

Volunteers for Seychelles Lisp Recidivism Association (SLRA) held their first Subsistence Fund-Raiser last week as a last effort to keep the small non-profit operating. SLRA has been struggling after losing its 501(c) status after they had a clerical mix-up that changed their status from 501(c) to 501(t), a license to operate brothels in Nevada.

Despite a large turn-out, the phone campaigns were a complete disaster and officials have discussed the few options left.

Women 18+ with lisp invited to career banquet
Women 18+ with lisp invited to career banquet

“I think would-be donors are feeling the economy and they’re just not able to help,” said Thamuel Thmith of SLRA. While we await confirmation of SLRA’s next move, the group asked we include an announcement that women above the age of 18 with a lisp are invited to a career banquet pool-party tomorrow at 6PM at the organization’s headquarters, 667 Thutter Ave.

NASA Celebrates Exciting Discovery of Female Employee Worthy of Male Salary

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NASA second female employee

NASA celebrates hiring its second female employee.
Married lesbians first females awarded male status

NASA took its first giant step forward for “womankind” by announcing it had finally found a female employee qualified for male compensation.

“We’ve all known for years that, theoretically at least, a woman could become a ‘rocket scientist’, even if only a mediocre one.” NASA wrote on its website. “This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.”

Critics point to the lesson learned from astronaut Sally Ride. “When Sally died in 2012, she had kept her sexuality a secret for decades,” HR Director Fran Man said. “She kept that secret right up to her death, presumably because she wanted to be known as Ride the Astronaut, not, Ride the Lesbian Astronaut, even if she was Ride the Lesbian Astronaut. And one thing everyone in HR knows, if you compare a lesbian to a man, you’re going to get a black eye.”

This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.

Lesbians are often comfortable in males roles
Lesbian astronauts often perform male duties both at work and in the home

NASA’s HR department responded to this criticism in its blog, writing “Lesbians often perform male duties both at work and in the home, and we don’t understand why anyone would oppose giving such employees more money. If the employee asks for the lower salary back, we’ll oblige.”

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