Editor’s Picks

Police Exceed African American Hiring Quotas With Unexpected Canine Training Jobs

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A new employee from the successful hiring program during training.
A new employee from the successful hiring program during training.

At first, Obama’s minority new-hire quotas for police departments seemed unrealistic to everyone watching. Black officers make up just 12% of all local police officers, according to a survey by the Bureau of Justice Statistics.

With heightened media attention on police brutality, departments have struggled to recruit and retain African-Americans. “Black distrust of police departments made recruitment a seemingly impossible task, we didn’t know how in hell we would hit the quotas. We circulated some emails around the department asking how we could utilize minority officers,” said an officer in Cleveland, “when we approached it that way, we were able to answer our own question.”

Police canine training teams hire thousands of African American men
Police were worried about hitting quotas until the canine teams recognized the opportunity

We circulated some emails around the department asking how we could utilize minority officers,” said an officer in Cleveland, “when we approached it that way, we were able to answer our own question.”

Youth Internship Programs

Because of the program’s success, many police canine departments are creating summer youth internship programs. Minority children (asthma-free) aged 14-17 can apply for summer internships at local police departments.

Police are even recruiting boys for training internships, sources say.
Police speaking to kids on the street about the educational internships

Dog Park Water Bowl Spiked with Viagra Yet Again; Police Press Conference a Viral Hit

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Police held another press conference about the serial crime.
Police held another press conference about the serial crime.
With no leads and a very full room of journalists, police officials held a press conference yesterday to warn whoever has been spiking public dog water bowls (e.g. dog parks) with Viagra that “we are putting all of our resources into this investigation.”

The department, once again, presented crime photos to “connect the sick perpetrators actions to the very not-funny suffering they are causing.”   Police Chief Jim Rainier went through the photos one by one, asking rhetorically, “does this look funny to you?”

“Look at this photo. Does this look funny to you?” said Police Chief Jim Rainier

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Social Media Shares – 30 Days

Controversial Outreach Program a Success

Early last month, Rainier began the well-known and somewhat controversial “public outreach” project, which shares clues with the public in hopes of getting leads.  No leads have come in, Rainier reported, “but on the bright side the outreach program is growing successfully.”  

He then presented charts showing 15 million shares on social media, a 37% increase from last week and soaring above the one day moving average for both downloads and shares. AdSense revenue from the outreach program, which is helping the department survive devastating budget cuts, is “excellent”, Rainier said.  Rainier was rumored to be angry about the vote that cut the budget; one local blogger accused him of “holding an immature, personal grudge.”

The police department shared a preview of the conference “moral lesson” photo gallery (below).  Many of the photos were taken by Brookstone Photography and the entire collection will be the main exhibit at the town art walk this Thursday at 6 PM.  Wine and appetizers will be served at 8:30, and the Jacob Mynch Jazz Trio will perform at 9 PM.

“A Moral Lesson” Photo Exhibit

Photo credits: Brookstone Photography

Black Man with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Ejaculates 12 Times During Rough Police Beating

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Taxpayers to Cover Costly Dry-Cleaning Bill

Luther Kennedy after suffering 12 orgasms
Luther Kennedy after suffering 12 orgasms

Luther Kennedy, a 48 year old black man living in Corpus Christi, was diagnosed in 2011 with a rare condition known as Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (also known as PGAD or Weiss Disease), which results in uncontrollable and spontaneous ejaculations in men. Mr. Kennedy suffers as many as 100 orgasms per day.

Mr. Kennedy became another expense for taxpayers when he endured 12 orgasms while being beaten and choke-holded by police officers during a routine traffic stop yesterday, forcing officers to personally cover the cost of dry-cleaning their uniforms and burdening the department with figuring out how to reimburse for an expense not approved in the highly scrutinized and controversial city budget.

Officer showing uniform stains during press conference
Officer showing uniform stains during press conference

Unfortunately for Mr. Kennedy, the arresting officers were unfamiliar with PGAD. By the time Kennedy was handcuffed in the back seat of the patrol car, seven officers and their uniforms were laden with Kennedy’s ejaculate, according to the police report.

The ramifications of the incident were discussed at a press conference, in which Police Chief Ronnie Bertleson showed the stains on the uniforms.  Chief Bertleson said he feels “bad for Kennedy, but his face can heal, but the real victim here is once again the taxpayer.”  

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Officers were forced to pay for the dry-cleaning for the one and only uniform issued

“…his face can heal…the real victim here is once again the taxpayer”


He then gave the media a close look at the stains while reminding voters that “when you vote to cut the police budget, this is what we’ll be wearing when you send us out to look for your teenage daughter who was supposed to be home in bed three hours ago,” Bertleson said.

NASA Celebrates Exciting Discovery of Female Employee Worthy of Male Salary

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NASA second female employee

NASA celebrates hiring its second female employee.
Married lesbians first females awarded male status

NASA took its first giant step forward for “womankind” by announcing it had finally found a female employee qualified for male compensation.

“We’ve all known for years that, theoretically at least, a woman could become a ‘rocket scientist’, even if only a mediocre one.” NASA wrote on its website. “This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.”

Critics point to the lesson learned from astronaut Sally Ride. “When Sally died in 2012, she had kept her sexuality a secret for decades,” HR Director Fran Man said. “She kept that secret right up to her death, presumably because she wanted to be known as Ride the Astronaut, not, Ride the Lesbian Astronaut, even if she was Ride the Lesbian Astronaut. And one thing everyone in HR knows, if you compare a lesbian to a man, you’re going to get a black eye.”

This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.

Lesbians are often comfortable in males roles
Lesbian astronauts often perform male duties both at work and in the home

NASA’s HR department responded to this criticism in its blog, writing “Lesbians often perform male duties both at work and in the home, and we don’t understand why anyone would oppose giving such employees more money. If the employee asks for the lower salary back, we’ll oblige.”

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