With God’s approval rating tanking to a record-low 36%, humanity is reeling from what many are calling “a toxic, one-sided relationship.” Disillusioned believers are accusing the Almighty of emotionally ghosting Earth to focus on “some newer, shinier galaxy.”
“I bet He’s out there creating new lifeforms with other planets while we’re stuck here drowning in floods and bad Wi-Fi,” fumed Edith Baker, 72, of Iowa City. “Every night, I go to bed, turn my back to Him, and wonder if He even remembers we exist. I’m so sick of men treating me like this.”
Other women expressed similar feelings.
“I look back now and I get so angry at myself for falling for that whole daddy-worship thing,” said one woman on the condition of anonymity, fearing a vindictive retaliation. “It was all about him. He was like, ‘you will burn in eternal hell if you even think of worshiping another God. Get down on your needs and tell me who’s your father,” she said, adding, “but once he sees a hot, young galaxy, he’s gone.”
Humanity Finds Comfort… Elsewhere
Feeling neglected, 67% of respondents confessed to experimenting with other gods – 22% admitted to indiscrimate acts of intimate prayer sessions on their first encounter, and 9% said they even joined “pile-on” group prayer sessions.
“I prayed to Zeus once, just to see what it was like,” admitted Ethan Marshall, 29, of Austin. “I didn’t mean for it to go anywhere, but then… he answered. With thunder. It was electrifying. After years of silence from God, I finally felt seen.”
Marshall paused, then added, “It’s weird at first, getting intimate with another deity. But when you’ve been repressed this long, you start doing things you never thought you’d do—chanting, lighting candles for strangers, maybe even a drum circle. And it feels good.”
Calls for Divine Accountability
Religious think tanks are now proposing drastic measures, including divine term limits or even replacing God altogether. One megachurch pastor suggested a reality competition called So You Think You Can God? where potential deities showcase their miracle-working skills. “It’s simple,” said the pastor. “You heal the blind, part some water, and if the audience isn’t impressed, you’re smited off the island. Ratings gold.”
But for Edith Baker, the time for theatrics is over. “I just want to feel like a priority again,” she said, looking toward the sky. “And if He can’t do that, maybe Zeus can. Or Shiva. Or, honestly, anyone who knows how to pick up a damn prayer once in a while.”