Des Moines, IA—In what has been described as both a commendable and somewhat half-hearted effort, local resident Derek Harmon was officially recognized as “Almost a Hero” after falling just short of the newly inflation-adjusted standards for heroism. The incident, which occurred outside a bustling coffee shop, has sparked debate about what it truly means to go above and beyond—or just… above-ish.
“I saw the whole thing,” said Carol Winfield, a witness to the event. “This guy in a ski mask grabs a woman’s purse and takes off running. Derek looked up from his phone, paused, finished typing a text, and then yelled, ‘Hey! Stop!’ It was… almost impressive?”
According to Harmon, the timing of the incident was unfortunate. “I was in the middle of texting my buddy Brad about whether we were still on for wings that night,” he said, holding up his phone to display the completed message: ‘U want boneless or bone-in?’ “I figured I had a second to send it before doing anything, and it turns out I didn’t really need more than that.”
When Harmon finally decided to act, he put his phone in his pocket, carefully adjusted his grip on his iced coffee, and jogged after the thief. Witnesses report that his stride was confident at first but quickly slowed as the thief gained distance.
“He did one of those big, dramatic arm waves, like he was trying to shoo the guy into stopping,” said Winfield. “Honestly, it was pretty effective. People noticed him. They didn’t do anything either, but they noticed.”
Harmon’s actions have since been evaluated by the Heroic Acts Index (HAI), a rigorous metric recently updated to reflect rising expectations for bravery in the digital age. “We no longer live in a world where simply yelling and jogging qualifies you as a hero,” said Dr. Tasha Remington, a sociologist who helped develop the revised standards. “Today, it’s not just about effort—it’s about speed, persistence, and ideally, a viral social media moment. Derek scored well on initial effort but lost points for not following through.”
The decisive blow to Harmon’s hero potential came when he stopped after 15 feet, reportedly muttering, “Man, this guy is fast.” When asked why he didn’t pursue the thief further, Harmon shrugged. “I had a full iced coffee, and those lids aren’t great. Plus, I saw someone else walking toward him, and I thought, you know, teamwork.”
Unfortunately, no one else intervened. The purse snatcher escaped, but Harmon did achieve one minor victory: his yell startled a squirrel, which caused the thief to stumble momentarily. “It bought her, like, two seconds of hope,” Harmon said. “That has to count for something.”
The purse’s owner, Maria Lopez, thanked Harmon for his efforts, though she admitted to mixed feelings. “He tried, I guess?” she said. “He definitely got people’s attention, which is more than I can say for everyone else. But also… he could’ve, I don’t know, run faster?”
Despite his shortcomings, Harmon’s actions were deemed worthy of “Almost Hero” status, a designation formalized by a bronze certificate. The award reads: ‘For Demonstrating Sufficient Interest in Doing the Right Thing.’
Critics of the inflation-adjusted standards argue that they set the bar too high. “Back in the day, just pointing and yelling was enough,” said retired firefighter Bill Larson. “Now, you have to go full Marvel superhero to even qualify. What happened to good old-fashioned mediocrity?”
For his part, Harmon has taken the recognition in stride. “Look, I’m not saying I’m the Flash or anything,” he said. “But you saw that yell. And I jogged. That’s more than most people do.” When asked about his plans to improve, Harmon nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe next time, I’ll skip the text. Or I’ll start carrying a whistle or something.”
At press time, Harmon was seen pacing outside the coffee shop, practicing his yelling technique while sipping a fresh iced latte. Witnesses confirm he appeared ready for action—until his phone buzzed with another text from Brad.
