Anyone who read the tens of thousands of comments under each and every news article about the manhunt for UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson’s killer would not have been surprised by what happened on the fifth day of the search.
“Photos of the handsome killer and a $10,000 award were the major news. Police confidently told the public to rest assured, with your support we will bring this killer to justice.
As it turned out, the public thought justice had already been served.
“I guess our unregulated gun laws CAN solve some problems” was one comment among 12,000 similar comments. As a historical fact, the last time Americans agreed on something this much was World War II.
The police have, in fact, received an overwhelming number of tips. The problem is that New Yorkers are all dressing up as the killer and flooding the tip line with reports of each other.
“At 7:54 AM we had 16 calls come in that the killer was in a midtown Starbucks. Police officers arrived and found 22 decoys dress as the killer,” we were told by a NYPD officer under the condition of anonymity. “By 8:30 it was – fuhgeddaboutit…350 within just a few blocks and now we’ve got at least 50,000 – who knows how many.”
The tips hotline is now so flooded that callers get a busy signal, causing callers to spill over to the main phone number.
“We’re already closing in on him in the database of 17 million denied claims where we know he is hiding.”
The police have declined to release new details about the investigation but insisted they are “making progress.” When asked to elaborate, one officer sighed deeply. “We’ll find him,” they said. “We’re already closing in on him in the database of 17 million denied claims where we know he is hiding. He can’t run from that.”
An hour after we spoke with our source, we learned that database had grown to nearly 18 million.
Law enforcement increased the award to $60,000, a move that seems both desparate and futile, as the public seems perfectly content to let the case drag on indefinitely. “Snitches get stitches,” said a man in Union Square, wearing the now-standard hoodie-and-backpack combo. “And you know that’s not covered by insurance.”
Asked if he had seen anything suspicious, he shrugged. “Suspicious? No. Inspiring? Yeah. Honestly, the guy deserves a medal.”
