Christianity

New NASA Study Decodes God’s Mysterious Ways, Explains Why Some Children Die of Cancer

By in News, Religion, Science & Technology 1 Comment Tags: , , , , , , ,

little-girl-crying-64-resized

God no longer works in mysterious ways.

After pouring over decades of data on subjects such as child mortality, automobile fatalities, freak accidents, and more, NASA researchers say they have decoded God’s mysterious ways and can explain why some children die horrible, painful deaths. More →

Mild & Extreme Christian Terrorist Groups Compete for Media Attention with Planned Parenthood Attacks

By in News, Politics, Religion No Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

fat2
Mild Christian Terrorist founder Ralph Caputo embodies the spirit of the movement, disciples say
Mild Christian Terrorist founder Ralph Caputo reading about the group’s first attack, which injured four people when a garbage chute was mistaken for a handicap ramp during a get-away attempt. The group’s attacks no longer require physical exertion.
Extreme Christian Terrorists believe violence is justified against abortion doctors.
Extreme Christian Terrorists have been largely unchallenged as innovative thought leaders in the field of terror.

With a long and glorious tradition of terror in the US, the many Extreme Christian Terrorist groups (such as the Army of God) are able to boast more US terrorist killings than any other group in the world, aside from September 11, 2001.

At the end of the day, they’re running a business, and that means tough choices.

But now they are getting a run for their money from mild Christian terrorist groups, who for one reason or another, choose a more passive approach.

“It’s all about media attention,” said Dr. Tony Samara, who studies the IQ scores of people of faith at George Washington University.

“In order to get recruits and funding, they have to look like heroes in the media. At the end of the day, they’re running a business, and that means tough choices,” Dr. Samara said.

Mild terrorists are far less intimidating and even required medical attention during several recent attacks.
Mild Terrorist leader Cindy Wallington leading an attack, shortly after the coffee and donuts break

Mild Terrorist Attack Takes Out Phone/Fax Lines

On Saturday, the mild terrorists struck again with another wave of difficult phone calls.

“We had 22 phone calls in 5 minutes, all asking us to fax information, so they had us running around busy there for a few minutes,” said Sally Murphy of the downtown Planned Parenthood. “And then they jammed the fax line by faxing us the first 100 pages of the Bible. That’s how we knew it was a mild terror attack,” Murphy said.

…they jammed the fax line by faxing us the first 100 pages of the Bible. That’s how we knew it was a mild terror attack.

Mild Christian Terrorist Groups on the Rise

The mild terrorists are usually indoctrinated at the Christian Tuesday night Bingo and Thursday night bowling meetups, where they sometimes discuss politics and religion.