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New Police Sunglasses Causing Problems in White Neighborhoods
crime
Dog Park Water Bowl Spiked with Viagra Yet Again; Police Press Conference a Viral Hit
The department, once again, presented crime photos to “connect the sick perpetrators actions to the very not-funny suffering they are causing.” Police Chief Jim Rainier went through the photos one by one, asking rhetorically, “does this look funny to you?”
“Look at this photo. Does this look funny to you?” said Police Chief Jim Rainier
Controversial Outreach Program a Success
Early last month, Rainier began the well-known and somewhat controversial “public outreach” project, which shares clues with the public in hopes of getting leads. No leads have come in, Rainier reported, “but on the bright side the outreach program is growing successfully.”
He then presented charts showing 15 million shares on social media, a 37% increase from last week and soaring above the one day moving average for both downloads and shares. AdSense revenue from the outreach program, which is helping the department survive devastating budget cuts, is “excellent”, Rainier said. Rainier was rumored to be angry about the vote that cut the budget; one local blogger accused him of “holding an immature, personal grudge.”
The police department shared a preview of the conference “moral lesson” photo gallery (below). Many of the photos were taken by Brookstone Photography and the entire collection will be the main exhibit at the town art walk this Thursday at 6 PM. Wine and appetizers will be served at 8:30, and the Jacob Mynch Jazz Trio will perform at 9 PM.
“A Moral Lesson” Photo Exhibit
Photo credits: Brookstone Photography
Black Man with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Ejaculates 12 Times During Rough Police Beating
Taxpayers to Cover Costly Dry-Cleaning Bill
Luther Kennedy, a 48 year old black man living in Corpus Christi, was diagnosed in 2011 with a rare condition known as Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (also known as PGAD or Weiss Disease), which results in uncontrollable and spontaneous ejaculations in men. Mr. Kennedy suffers as many as 100 orgasms per day.
Mr. Kennedy became another expense for taxpayers when he endured 12 orgasms while being beaten and choke-holded by police officers during a routine traffic stop yesterday, forcing officers to personally cover the cost of dry-cleaning their uniforms and burdening the department with figuring out how to reimburse for an expense not approved in the highly scrutinized and controversial city budget.
Unfortunately for Mr. Kennedy, the arresting officers were unfamiliar with PGAD. By the time Kennedy was handcuffed in the back seat of the patrol car, seven officers and their uniforms were laden with Kennedy’s ejaculate, according to the police report.
The ramifications of the incident were discussed at a press conference, in which Police Chief Ronnie Bertleson showed the stains on the uniforms. Chief Bertleson said he feels “bad for Kennedy, but his face can heal, but the real victim here is once again the taxpayer.”
“…his face can heal…the real victim here is once again the taxpayer”
He then gave the media a close look at the stains while reminding voters that “when you vote to cut the police budget, this is what we’ll be wearing when you send us out to look for your teenage daughter who was supposed to be home in bed three hours ago,” Bertleson said.
