women’s rights

Throughout the nation, women continued to come forward and accuse high-profile men of sexually improprieties after Harvey Weinstein’s accusers triggered a monumental movement that is still unraveling in the public eye.

Louis CK asked permission to masturbate, which although technically is legal, is just so creepy he had to go on the list.

History will remember the brave stand of these sexually desirable women who, together, said “enough is enough” and outed the men who (allegedly) sexually harassed or assaulted them.

The list of celebrities had grown to at least twenty high profile Hollywood names as of this morning, many of whom had been fired, resigned, or suffered the consequences of their actions in some other way.

While most men were (understandably) accused of targeting attractive women, Kevin Spacey’s allegations shocked the public. Spacey, who was accused of fondling men, women, and children indiscriminately, was expected to have higher standards.

“I’m shocked by Kevin Spacey, I mean, he’s such a big name, he should be harassing young hotties,”

“I’m shocked by Kevin Spacey, I mean, he’s such a big name, he should be harassing young hotties,” said Kyle Johnson, 17, of Long Island, NY. “I don’t understand getting that far just to grope a guy?? Shit, I can do that now and get away with it.”

17 year old Kyle Johnson of Long Island had much to say about the historic step forward for most women.

Twitter blew up with speculation that men, fearing repercussion, would move on to less attractive women. Kyle Johnson of Long Island weighed in on that discussion. When asked about his Twitter comments, Kyle (who insisted on not being called “Mr. Johnson”) said, “so here is how it is…we’re not even talking fine bitches, we’re talking fuckable, which is generally considered a six if you’re sober and you’re friends are going to meet her. So the six through tens of the world have had enough of this shit, they’re tired, all right? So they said, ‘fuck this shit, we’re outta here’ and now guys are going to move on to the five’s. The five’s are all jealous of the six through tens for getting all the attention, so now it’s their turn and they’re going to eat it up. So that’s what I was saying on Twitter, but not everyone is down with that, some haters calling me some nasty shit for just saying what’s up” Kyle said.

“When it’s someone attractive doing it, it’s flattering and welcome. But when someone not in your league makes a move, it’s harassment.”

Academics Explain Confusing Details

Dr. Paul Joseph helped the public understand the unraveling events

With so much confusion around why this is happening now and what it all means, the media called on their expert commentators for answers.

“To be clear, what we are talking about are women who are at least a six [on a scale of one to ten] being approached by men not in their league,” said Dr. Paul Joseph, a sexual psychologist at Brunswick University. “When it’s someone attractive doing it, it’s flattering and welcome. But when someone not in your league makes a move, it’s harassment.”

NASA celebrates hiring its second female employee. — Married lesbians first females awarded male status

NASA took its first giant step forward for “womankind” by announcing it had finally found a female employee qualified for male compensation.

“We’ve all known for years that, theoretically at least, a woman could become a ‘rocket scientist’, even if only a mediocre one.” NASA wrote on its website. “This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.”

Critics point to the lesson learned from astronaut Sally Ride. “When Sally died in 2012, she had kept her sexuality a secret for decades,” HR Director Fran Man said. “She kept that secret right up to her death, presumably because she wanted to be known as Ride the Astronaut, not, Ride the Lesbian Astronaut, even if she was Ride the Lesbian Astronaut. And one thing everyone in HR knows, if you compare a lesbian to a man, you’re going to get a black eye.”

This mission was one of our longer explorations, but we’ve done it, we found a female employee worthy of a junior level male salary.

Lesbians are often comfortable in males roles — Lesbian astronauts often perform male duties both at work and in the home

NASA’s HR department responded to this criticism in its blog, writing “Lesbians often perform male duties both at work and in the home, and we don’t understand why anyone would oppose giving such employees more money. If the employee asks for the lower salary back, we’ll oblige.”