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University of Utah Study Sparks Community-Wide Crisis
In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the heart of Salt Lake City, a groundbreaking study from the University of Utah has found that when local girls say they “just want to have fun,” they might—brace yourselves—actually mean anal sex and gang bangs with well-endowed men. The findings have left parents clutching their pearls, community leaders holding emergency prayer circles, and progressive sociology professors momentarily speechless.
“It’s like the ground beneath us has shifted,” said Deborah Larsen, mother of three and staunch PTA advocate. “I thought ‘fun’ meant ice cream socials or maybe a lively game of Uno. Now I’m wondering if my daughters have been living secret lives this whole time. What does ‘fun’ even mean anymore?!”
The Study: Shaking the Bedrock of Mormon Innocence
The study, spearheaded by Dr. Jedediah Goodwin, a sociology professor at the University of Utah, aimed to explore what young women in the area prioritize when it comes to leisure activities. “We thought we’d get results like ‘baking cookies,’ ‘doing crafts,’ or maybe something wild like ‘watching PG-13 movies,’” Dr. Goodwin explained, his voice trembling. “But then we started seeing patterns we didn’t expect.”
Dr. Goodwin and his team surveyed 500 college-aged women, asking them to describe what they meant by “fun.” Responses ranged from “it depends” to “nothing I’d tell my bishop.” But when allowed to respond anonymously, respondents overwhelmingly stated anal sex and gang bangs with well-endowed men.
Parental Panic and the Domino Effect
The study’s findings have triggered an existential crisis for many local families. Karen Petersen, a mother of five, confessed, “Last week, my daughter told me she wanted to go out and have fun with her friends. I just handed her twenty dollars and said, ‘Have a great time!’ Now I’m wondering if I financed some kind of smutty debauchery!”
Fathers have varying reactions. Those with daughters are reportedly experiencing sleepless nights replaying every conversation with their daughters. “I remember when Madison said her senior trip was going to be ‘so much fun.’ I thought she meant she’d enjoy the Grand Canyon or learn about geology. What if… what if that wasn’t it?” said one father, who requested anonymity so as not to bring attention to his daughter’s love of anal sex and gang bangs.
Fathers of only boys had other concerns. “Did the girls say how big the boy’s thing needs to be for her to want to…you know, have fun?” the first father we spoke with asked us.
A Crisis of Faith for Progressives
Even the area’s more progressive residents, who pride themselves on tolerance and open-mindedness, are struggling to cope. “As someone who supports women’s empowerment, I’ve always believed girls should define their own happiness,” said Megan Worthington, a self-described feminist. “But anal sex and gang bangs? That’s not the kind of fun I was envisioning when I encouraged my daughter to join that co-ed hiking group.”
Worthington admitted to having an awkward conversation with her 19-year-old daughter that ended in silence and a lot of mutual blinking. “I told her I was supportive of her autonomy, but then I just blurted out, ‘What does fun mean to you?!’ She hasn’t spoken to me since.”
Community-Wide Impact
The ripple effects of the study have extended beyond families, with local businesses and institutions feeling the heat. One ice cream shop owner reported a sudden drop in sales of their “Fun Sundae Special.” “People are too paranoid to order it,” he lamented. “Customers keep whispering, ‘What does fun really mean here?’”