Nothing Else Interesting About New Jersey, Officials Say
happy birthday to Mr. Nathan - this story is yours if you want to run with it!
As unidentified drones swarmed New Jersey over the last few weeks, the American public and government officials struggled to understand what could possibly be so interesting about a state known best for its putrid stink and astounding lack of cultural significance.
“There’s only one reasonable explanation, “the FBI statement said, “aliens are trying to figure out where that goddamn smell is coming from, and they travelled all the way across the galaxy to find it in New Jersey.”
FBI statement"...aliens are trying to figure out where that goddamn smell is coming from,"
Drones are unmanned, or unalienned as the case may be. “Everyone in New England keeps their windows rolled up driving through New Jersey,” Maine governor Janet Mills said, “which is likely why the aliens stayed home for this mission.”
But Can They Clean Up New Jersey? Even the Turnpike??
For years, scientists have debated the origin of New Jersey’s distinctive aroma. Is it the industrial plants, the never-ending landfills, the toxic waterways rimmed with rotting dead fish, the overuse of hairspray that gives New Jersey its distinctive lack of regional charm? Or could it be what some fear most: the relentlessly hideous turnpike?
The mystery of New Jersey’s stink may now be a matter of galactic interest.
“New Jersey’s main export is its odor, its neighbors are sick of breathing it in, and now it looks like our celestial neighbors are pissed off too,” said Dr. Linda Corelli, a professor of environmental science. “I’m hopeful these aliens can crack the code of New Jersey’s smell. Only a technology far beyond our understanding can isolate all the factors contributing to the bouquet known as ‘eau de joisey’. ”
Humiliation: New Jersey Could Be First Impression of Earth
The big concern with the public is the distinct possibility that New Jersey is the first impression aliens will receive about humans and Earth.
“Oh my f*cking God I am so mortified thinking about it,” Vermont congresswoman Becca Balint said. “It’s like when someone rings your doorbell and you answer it without makeup and looking like a hag – except on a galactic level.”
Congresswoman"Oh my f*cking God I am so mortified thinking about it.
It’s like when someone rings your doorbell and you answer it without makeup and looking like a hag."
