A visibily upset former military whistleblower David Grusch testified that shadowy and selfish government operatives reverse-engineered alien sex toy technology decades ago and won’t let anyone else play with them, leaving him no other option then to throw a tantrum and taddle to Congress.
Grusch described these devices as “mind-blowingly advanced,” claiming their capabilities make human pleasure technology look like “a rusty hand crank on a butter churn.”
“These aren’t just sex toys,” Grusch clarified to an astonished congressional committee. “These are intergalactic pleasure instruments designed by civilizations millions of years more advanced than us. They operate on principles of physics we haven’t even discovered. These toys could end monogamy as we know it – there’s just no way my wife…I mean, anyone, could compete with these things.”
Alien Toys That Defy Human Imagination
Grusch detailed a catalog of alien devices that could allegedly revolutionize not only human intimacy but also physics and metaphysics:
- The Quantum Oscillator™: This device operates by collapsing quantum waveforms in a magnetic vacuum in parallel universes, pulsating 16 quadrillion times the amount of the sun’s energy throughout the genital’s most sensitive nerves. However, prolonged use may destabilize local spacetime, resulting in minor wormholes or an uncomfortably intimate encounter with your parallel-universe self.
- The Gravitonic Pulsar™: Designed to manipulate gravity waves, this toy can simulate the feeling of an orgasm experienced on Jupiter. Spaceman claims the military tested it on volunteers but had to stop after subjects began demanding NASA-sponsored honeymoons to Europa.
- The BioSync Harmonizer™: A small, sleek, light-weight, mobile and highly customizable device that supposedly allows users to experience “the full spectrum of alien love languages,” including telepathic bonding and pleasure signals encoded in gamma radiation.
A Cover-Up of Galactic Proportions
Grusch testified that the military has kept the toys to themselves for over 50 years.
“They kept telling me that I would get to play with them next. Year after year they kept saying, ‘you’re next, I promise’, but they just hogged it all to themselves,” Grusch said.
Eventually, Grusch and others threatened to tell Congress if they didn’t get to play with them, too.
“The military doesn’t want this getting out,” Grusch warned. “They want to keep this all to themselves. It’s totally fucking unfair.”
David Grusch“They want to keep this all to themselves. It's totally fucking unfair.”
